I don't want to talk about us. I don't want to talk about what happened. I'm not ready. So unsure. Everything was so far from where we began and yet I'm still totally shocked at the ending.

How could I have betrayed him? How could I betray myself?

I wanted love. I wanted to belong. I wanted to feel a storybook kind of feeling. And it never came.

I hear the locusts singing. The breeze brings in the smell of sage and cinnamon. I can hear the whole world outside my window. There is nothing in the sound of wind chimes to ease this ache. I feel as though I am begging the trees to cradle me in their branches. Bring me high up. Take me away from this. Stick me on a cloud so I can float away.

I've lost everything. I've got nothing left to give. There's nothing I can do, there's nothing I can say to change the way I feel now. I just want to sit beside him again. To just feel him when I close my eyes.

He'll never love me again. Not now. I failed. I could have done so much. I said so little. I should have begged.

Tonight I will sit beneath a starry sky and wonder if he'll ever see the same stars I do.

-devi

----------------
Now playing: Zero 7 - The Space Between
http://foxytunes.com/artist/zero+7/track/the+space+between

Devi (Devanagari: देवी) is the Sanskrit word for Goddess, used mostly in Hinduism. Devi is synonymous with Shakti, the female aspect of the divine, as conceptualized by the Shakta tradition of Hinduism. She is the female counterpart without whom the male aspect, which represents consciousness or discrimination, remains impotent and void. Goddess worship is an integral part of Hinduism.

Devi is, quintessentially, the core form of every Hindu Goddess. As the female manifestation of the supreme lord, she is also called Prakriti, as she balances out the male aspect of the divine addressed Purusha. [1]

Devi is the supreme Being in the Shaktism tradition of Hinduism, while in the Smartha tradition, she is one of the five primary forms of God. [2][3] In other Hindu traditions of Shaivism and Vaishnavism, Devi embodies the active energy and power of male deities (Purushas), such as Vishnu in Vaishnavism or Shiva in Shaivism. Vishnu's shakti counterpart is called Lakshmi, with Parvati being the female shakti of Shiva.



---Devi

There is nothing beautiful left in this room.
All of the plants are leaning away from me.
I think they want to escape.
I think I want to go with them.

I'm feeling anger for the first time in all of this. I'm angry at him. I'm angrier at myself. I used to be so bright. I used to be a focused individual. I was in touch with LIFE. I was spiritual.

I was sexual. I was in touch with ME.

And now.
NOW?

Nothin. Not a god damned thing. I FEEL NOTHING. I have regressed. I'm back in high school.

I feel ugly. I feel awkward. Uncomfortable in my skin.

A few nights ago when we were drunk and arguing I started sobbing. I couldn't stop. Each sound had the force of my entire body behind it. I don't know what came over me. It sounded like I was wailing for the dead. The sound scared me but I still couldn't stop. It filled my ears up despite his attempt to shout over me.

So much is confusing to me right now.

I don't know what I want.

And I don't know what to do.

I
AM
LOST.


-devin

I'm just so terrified of letting go.

How did I become this?

I'm abused. I'm unhappy. I have NO hopes and NO dreams. I don't care that I've given myself freely only to receive nothing in return.

The answer is so simple. I have to leave. I have to break this pattern.

Neither of us are thriving in this relationship. We're clinging to the superficial.

We have fun. We laugh. We fuck. We're completely comfortable with one another.

And yet... every morning I wake up terrified or depressed. I can't decide how my day is until I see his face.

Will he smile? Will he greet me with a frustrated expression?

I never know. I walk on tip toes until I get some sort of signal.

I can't live like this anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore.

WHO THE FUCK IS DEVIN?

Someone tell me. Please.

life is strange. terrible and wonderful. beautiful sometimes. and i get the feeling that freedom is intangible. every action of my own has only tightened the ropes. the more i struggle the harder it becomes to breathe. i can see the entire world before me and i remain bound.

they say that when the wings burst from your back it is the most excruciating pain you could ever feel. it's a bit like dying, a bit like being born. and you never know when it may happen. one day the fever takes you and you find yourself lying on the floor inches from your own vomit. you writhe. you curse. you beg for death to take you.

and then it happens. feathers sharp as knives begin breaking through the skin. they unfold. for a moment your vision is blurred. you can feel warm liquid pouring down your back.

your blood.

every beginning since the dawn of time began in a pool of red.

its over now. you have these twitching monstrosities. gray and dripping red. and you hate them. oh how you hate them. they are ugly and awkward and make you feel as tho you cannot stand.

but why would you stand now? as they flex and unfold you can feel the power you now posess.

is it possible?

you could fly if you wanted to.

step outside and rise above the rest. there may be another world hidden in the clouds.

Was it loneliness that brought you here
Broken and weak
Was it tiredness that made you sleep
Have you lost your will to speak
Was the earth spinning round
Were you falling through the ground
As the world came tumbling down
You prayed to God what have we done

There comes a time when there just isn't anything left to say. I've been stomped flat into the ground. I can smell dirt and hear insects picking their way through. If only I could flip myself. I know what it's like to feel the sun soaking into my skin. Blinding even behind closed eyes.
Right now the sun is hidden behind the clouds. It's dark here.

Free me from these chains I need to change my way
Heal these broken wings I need to fly far away, far away, far away

I'm so trapped in the way I've become. Clinging to a crutch. Stuck in a cycle of self destruction. From the moment I met you, I've been begging. I need a reinvention. I want that embyronic state. Turn back the clock and I can be whatever I'm not.

Was it emptiness that made you weep
No more secrets to keep
Was it bitterness that gave you time
To forgive your sins
Was the earth spinning round
Were you falling through the ground
As the world came tumbling down
You prayed to God what have we done

Why do we lie? Why do you punish me? The past haunts me. Does it haunt you too?

Free me from these chains I need to change my way
Heal these broken wings I need to fly far away
Free me from these thoughts long forgotten down below
Take these angel's words give them life to carry on, carry on, carry on
Free me from these chains...

Don't throw me away. I still need you. Our lives are intertwined.

Being as true to my fickle pisces nature as I can be, I've decided to pick up my blogging habits. Who knows how long this will last. The reason for doing so is that I have realized that I don't write as often as I used to. This used to be one of my greatest passions. Granted I was a bit of a shut in, anti social and let's face it- weird. Gone are the days spent locked in my room filling notebook after notebook with angst ridden dribble. Don't get me wrong, my psyche continues to go to very dark places I just haven't felt the need to translate it on paper.

Another observation I have made is this- I suck at communicating. Years of therapy spent staring blankly at the paid professional in front of me should have made that clear. Stuttering and sobbing incoherently at my siggie everytime we have a spat, another indicator. My best friend reaching out to me during one of the most heartbreaking moments of her life saw me chain smoking an entire pack of cigarettes, just so I didn't have to use my mouth for anything else.

I wouldn't say I am unemotional. In fact I am too emotional. During times of stress or confrontation I withdraw. I have to. Otherwise I turn into one giant puddle of salt water. When people confide in me I clam up. Or I just keep asking random questions about the event at hand. Usually about insignificant details.

He broke up with you? Really? What colour shirt was he wearing?

Sometimes the abruptness is enough to shake the emotion out of the conversation. It's not that I am trying to make light of their suffering, just trying to avoid soaking it in myself. I think years of ridicule and abuse has given me a powerful deflection ability. If I were a super hero this would be my power.

Thrill at her blank stares! Swoon as she shrugs! It's the Incredible Aloof Girl!

Am I really like that? I mean, is that how people see me? I remember in high school after a party at a fellow drama club member's house, we were playing a game. It was, "Tell me your first impression.". To be honest this was the first party I had been to. One that didn't involve pony rides and balloons anyway. We all sat in this girl's living room. One person started and went around the entire room telling each individual their first impression of them. You had the option to say you didn't want to know of course. But being so desperate for acceptance at that age I let every single person tell me what they thought of me. It was pretty bleak.

"Honestly, you seemed like a bitch."

"I felt like you were kind of stuck up."

"Totally unapproachable. Sorry, Dev."

Because they all apologized after their honesty. They didn't have to. It didn't really hurt that much. I had felt exactly the same about them. I just didn't say it in front of a room full of people.

It's funny how selective people can be about the truth. They can blast you down in front of a group but they could never pull you aside and tell you how it is. Anytime I've had a problem with someone, a rare moment but it definitely happens, I wait until we are alone and comfortable to drop the hammer. I feel like people respond better when you just level with them one on one. I try to make it casual. Most problems can be squashed when you make it seem so simple. People need to be told exactly how to do something, in the most non threatening way possible. Nine times out of ten you can get a person to do exactly what you wish if you know how to approach them.

My powers of persuasion are unmatched. It's the intuition. People's buttons are very prominent to me. I know just when to push.

Well that's about all the therapy I can handle today. I don't know if I have solved anything but it feels good to work things out in words. Everytime I write a blog I feel I have a better understanding of my own inner workings.

Take care to those that read this and remember- If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose.

.Devin

Everyday after my hour long afternoon workout session, I dance. I find that after working out I feel very limber. Springy. Hell, I even fool myself into thinking I could be a ballerina someday.

I pick one song. Something that's got a good consistent beat and preferably with lyrics I can belt out every now and then (when I can breathe properly). I usually turn the lights off in the computer room. People are always walking by the window so I want to give them less of a chance of catching my crazy antics through the blinds. I hardly need to mention that I am always completely alone during this freak-out (le freak c'est chic). Because of this I find myself doing things I would never ever do.

I go to dance clubs every now and then. For the first 3 hours or so I stand shyly outside of the crowd, kind of bobbing my head to let people know that I can, in fact, hear the music. The last hour I start to creep out onto the floor. I try to pinpoint a group of people who have no rhythm. I blend myself into their circle and proceed to execute highly calculated dance moves. These would include-

-Standing in the same spot bouncing up and down.
-Moving my hips seductively.
-Probably snapping my fingers at some point.
... And that's it.

That will last about 45 minutes and then whomever I'm with usually wants to go home by then. Might I add that I have usually had a few drinks that start to kick in at the time we're leaving and that's when I feel like I could really bust a move. We're usually in the car about halfway home when that feeling really hits.

So this 5-8 minute interlude of mine has been really therapeutic. I have been able to practice moves that I would be utterly embarrassed to let anyone see. Until they are perfected of course.

There are no mirrors in the computer room. This may have to be corrected soon because as I watched my shadow today I came to a painful realization:
I dance like Elaine Bennis. Those of you who have ever watched Seinfeld might know what I'm talking about. No doubt you feel for me right now.

Anyway, the important part is I am trying to shove myself out of my comfort zone. The more I dance, the less I care if someone happens to see me. In a couple weeks I might even start opening the blinds so our neighbors can have a proper show. And maybe the next time I hit the club... it will only take me two hours to get out there and shake my tail feather!

I need phone numbers and addresses for my new address book! I'm more looking for people I know personally- friends from high school and that sort of thing. But if you want to give me your info anyway feel free! Expect birthday cards (if you give me that information too) and holiday greetings in the future if you do!

Thanks, guys!


-devin

instructions

1. Go to Random Article on Wikipedia.
This will be the name of your band.

2. Go to Random Quotations.
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your album.

3. Go to flickr and click on "explore the last seven days".
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use Photoshop or something similar to mix it all up. Post.

when the skies have darkened to dizzy shades

my eyes will linger only on the stars

i cannot feel how lonely the world is anymore,
meteor showers dazzle my vision.

you've stretched out now beside me
we share this light show silently
but the warmth of your body shouts to me
"i am here! i am here!"

and i know you feel me too

we are here.

i took a few steps towards accepting reality. it was a bit of a shock to realize that i had been spending the last 23 years of my life in a constant state of denial.

i mean, i felt like things were real. i think i responded accordingly. i remember lots of approving looks and nods to the words coming from my mouth. the expressions on my face didnt produce confused looks in return.

... i think.

5. knee deep in snow having to struggle half a mile with little sister in tow... just trying to find home. wondering where all the adults have gone. this is what abandonment feels like.

7. forced onto the ground in a wooded area. and then again in the family den. and then again in my own room. no safe places. only sharp edges and the hope that my pillow might suffocate me this time.

9. realizing how fat i had become. how boys loved to laugh. how girls loved to say no. no i will not be your friend. how the 15 year old boy down the street would love to be my friend... at least this time there were endless bowls of snacks afterwards.

11 father? dad... daddy? mark. should i call you mark? you couldnt look me in the eye. couldnt hold my hand. and when i begged you to hold me you looked at me as if you were terrified. why doesnt he love me? am i really that disgusting? im still the little girl you carried around on your shoulders and sang to sleep!

13. she loved me loved me loved me. she laid beside me and loved me. and when i whispered to someone else she turned and told everyone. and then they hated me hated me hated me. only one solution. first year of medicated bliss and me floating outside myself.

(hiding hiding hiding. they all come out eventually.)

when i sit and really try to remember being 15... nothing.
nothing comes to me.

there were people. lots of colorful wonderful people. faces that i continue to see. but for the life of me i can't remember how i know these people. how did we meet? what did i say or do to make them gravitate towards me? one bright light among them all. one small ghost that carried my soul for years to come.

16. i was 16 once. that year has to be omitted immediately. another year heavily medicated but this time strapped down to a cot. that part i remember. i have permanent marks to remind me. did anyone notice when i disappeared?

school. scenes with blurry frames. knowing i spent time with people... who were these mystery friends?

17. crying in front of crowds. god, i could never keep myself from looking like a blithering idiot... or weak. i was so weak. it took more energy to stand in one place for longer than a minute than to laugh like i knew what the joke was about. did anyone notice how empty my eyes looked? probably not. i couldnt keep them fixed beyond ground level much.

18. hands. arms. tightening around me. they made me feel as if they cared. laughing, smiling cheshire cat grins and speaking languages i couldnt understand. thats the tongue happy people talk in. they dont see you when you keep your hair in your face. first impressions were not kind.

and i fled. across the country. away from the familiar streets. the same four walls that held me.

19. its the voodoo that you do, baby. you make me wish i wasnt a married man. you're the only one that understands me. just once. just once. i'll do you right. i'll give you everything you've been dreaming of. im your knight in shining armor, dollface . you're beautiful.
i love you.

different planet. different race of men. kid in a candy store. and i was POWERFUL.

20- 3, 2, 1. they surround me. in bed. on the phone. in the car. always with one. always one thinking they were the only. giddy secrets. balancing act and a tower of cards about to fall.

and then he came crashing in.
took a chance and left it all behind. made a clean break. didnt mean to fall in love.
but it happened.

... and here i am.

3 years later and he's all i can remember. he knelt to the little girl in the snow and led her home to her mother's arms. he rescued her from the boy in the woods. he patted her on the head and offered to play a game instead of making her do nasty things just for a little company. he loved the confused teenaged girl without shame. told her she was ok. took the pills away and unfastened the restraints. took her hand and assured her that not everyone was staring. spoke in a language she could understand. gave her the control she needed without hurting her or expecting anything in return. made her feel beautiful. made her feel like a normal person. a person who could step outside and hold her head up in public.

he cleared the fog. woke me from my dreaming. and when i hold his hand i see the world. i see all the bad. i see all the good. i FEEL. i hear what people say. i control my actions instead of just reacting blindly. i smile because i am happy.

i laugh because i get the joke the first time.

this is my life.
this is me.

http://www.myspace.com/bluelacedolly

add me peoples!!!

to everyone going to otakon-

PRE REG IS OPEN!!!!!! GO GO GO!!!!!!!1!!!!11

i was reading through some old entries of mine and damn... i have gotten so boring! i guess thats what happens when you settle down. you fall into routines and become really freaking BORING. ah well.

so i did confront jason about having shauna over and not telling me. he apologized and said that he should tell me those things since this is my house too. he said he's not used to living with someone so he doesnt know what to do sometimes... well... we HAVE been living together for 8 months now. you'd think he'd know how certain things would effect me by now. sometimes its hard to get over the fact that even tho he is a great man he is in the end just a MAN. ^.^ i say that with humor too. its funny how now matter how different we are individually we still resort back to the most basic natures.

bottom line we're still madly in love and have no plans of ending that.

a couple people got fired at work so i'll be picking up the slack most likely. which is no big deal. id like to get more hours in if i can. money is so nice. the other night a bunch of my co-workers and i went to a bar. it was $10 drink all you want night. and boy... i drank A LOT. al and i were trying to out drink each other and ended up having 7 drinks plus 2 shots each. we tied because at that point we were both freaking sloppy drunk. i behaved myself considering jason wasnt there and i tend to get really friendly when im drunk. i tried to stay with al as much as i could considering he's gay and i knew he wouldnt do anything silly to me. i had so much fun. it was nice to get out of the house without jason for once. its good to spend time away from each other every now and then.

i havent heard from haruka in awhile. i hope she knows her michi misses her lots. ^^ and i hope she's doing good what with the recent surgery and all.

thats all i got.

devi

dance hal, dance

oh my god... he sent me flowers... lillies too...


i am the most special girl on the planet right now.

jason- i love looking at you when you are completely enraptured

me- how did it make you feel?

jason- incredible
jason- you're so beautiful it is almost unbearable to look at you, but too addicting not to.
jason- and difficult to fathom that i was making you feel so good
jason- i felt like a god

me- well it definitely felt like heaven

jason- lol